The Five Stages Of DrunkenessStage 1 – CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.Stage 2 – ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.Stage 3 – RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.Stage 4 – INVINCIBLEYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you’re RICH and you’re more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.Stage 5 – INVISIBLEThis is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still CLEVER you know all the words.THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UPStage 1 – STUPIDAs you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.Stage 2 – UGLYNever entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.Stage 3 – POORHaving crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn’t possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.Stage 4 – FRAGILEAs you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.Stage 5 – CONSPICUOUSThis is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
Category:Drunk Jokes
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00a.m. is not early.9. You have to file for your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You’re not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that “Bachelor” is a nicer term for a jackass.14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Category:Free Jokes
BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in “Our daughter’s computer cost quite a bit.”BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill. BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.CHIPS – The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR – What you turn into when you can’t get your computer to perform, as in “You %@& computer!”DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom “just to look.” EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.FILE – What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day’s work in 30 minutes.FLOPPY – The condition of a constant computer user’s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see “CHIPS”).HARDWARE – Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven’t laid a finger on since getting your computer.IBM – The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you’ll pay attention to them again. MENU – What you’ll never see again after buying a computer because you’ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.PROGRAMS – Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.RETURN – What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.TAB – What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.TERMINAL – A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.WINDOW – What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
Category:Science Jokes
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven’t been used since last season (campinggear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for “specials” 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling 4. Buying food you don’t normally buy … and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas … 1. At some point you know you’re going to have a tree in your house!
Category:Funny Jokes
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”"We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”"TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?”"We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”"That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.”It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”"Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”"Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?
Category:Travel Jokes
