There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second – 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!
Category:Free Jokes

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:1. He went into his father’s business.2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.Proof That Jesus Was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He was always telling stories.3. He loved green pastures.Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus.2. He was bilingual.3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.Proof That Jesus Was Italian:1. He talked with his hands.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He worked in the building trades.Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot.3. He invented a new religion and finallyProof that Jesus Was Black:1. He called everybody brother.2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.
Category:Political Jokes

Footless Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?” The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.” The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.” The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.” The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.” The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.” The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.” The guy says “What’s up?” The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.” The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.” The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.” The guy says “He did??!” The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.” The guy says “My God, what happened next???!!!” The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”
Category:Animal World

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class”What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?”Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant topick on him she chose little Mary.”I think your heart goes first because, that’s were your emotionsof love are.”"Very interesting.” replied the teacher. Seeing no one else hadtheir hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.”I think your feet go up first.”Confused but relieved the teacher said, “Why is that?”Johnny replied, “Once when I walked in my parents room I saw mydad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying “Oh God!”
Category:Children

The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans by John CarneyFrom: paul0426@tarsus.com (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)To: allusers@rome.orgCC: s_peter@jol.com (Judaea Online)Attachments: noneSubject: general teachingAlso posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and diskspace charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,so I’ll have to keep this short. IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness of men. }:>U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry. Circumcision is meaningful only if it is inward — otherwise,BFD. Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because ofthe customer support they receive. In Him we are neither IBM norGateway, Tandy nor Compaq.None of us is righteous. As King David wrote: KD> There is no one righteous, not even one;KD> There is no one who understands, no one who seeksKD> God, no one who has not illegally copied his KD> favorite game program for a friend.But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*righteousness.But does this mean we should sin all we want? No way!We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spiritgives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit tothe authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Payfor shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flamesomebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause yourfellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive. Watch outfor those R- and X-rated .GIF files. I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on thecouch. CUL8er. :) XXX Papyrus 6.2 XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX {RAH}--------------John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, amagazine of religious satire and commentary.
Category:Science Jokes