Funny Jokes – Clean Jokes – Joke of The Day

Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes List H’ Category

You might be a redneck if you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it’s wheels.
Category:Redneck Jokes

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMANCaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MANShow up naked ….. and bring beer.
Category:Sex Jokes

TWO MEN SITTING BESIDE ONE ANOTHER IN A BAR.THE 1ST MAN IS AN AVERAGE SIZE GUY WEIGHINGABOUT 170 LBS.THE 2ND MAN IS A HUGE FAT GUY WEIGHING ABOUT375 LBS.THE 2ND GUY ASKS THE 1ST GUY. “WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN, DO YOU ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM?”THE 1ST GUY REPLIES, “IT DEPENDS ON THE WOMAN,HOW ABOUT YOU?”THE 2ND GUY REPLIES, “I ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM, NOMATTER WHO I’M WITH.”OF COURSE YOU CAN’T HELP BUT TO HIT BOTTOM WHEN YOU “MASH IT FLAT”.
Category:Sex Jokes

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”"We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”"TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?”"We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”"That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.”It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”"Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”"Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?
Category:Travel Jokes

How To Give Your Cat a Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in — quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.7. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and … Ooooops!9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.13. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man — or woman.15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
Category:Animal World