Funny Jokes – Clean Jokes – Joke of The Day

Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes List I’ Category

“I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf.”"Bullshit, watch this…Rover sit! Oh dear, you’re right, I’ll getthe shovel and clean it up!”
Category:Animal World

This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestlingDate: 1999/03/04Author: briang68g@gearthlink.netI like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. Ithought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided notto look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their newenvironment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at highspeeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectaclelost its novelty halfway into its third hour.Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, theyall died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’ like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then Ihad one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t all go bad.I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had toextinguish the fire.Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn’t improving.I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use thebathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was notallowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. Myfriends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in thegenitals.I like monkeys.
Category:Animal World

It’s so easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.
Category:Animal World

I’ve never understood why women love cats.Cats are independent, they don’t listen,they don’t come in when you call, they liketo stay out all night, come home and expectto be fed and stroked, then want to be leftalone and sleep. In other words, every qualitythat women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Category:Animal World

Job Applicant: “I’m looking for a job as a consultant.”Employer: “I’m sorry, we already have enough cosultants.”Applicant: “That’s ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.”Employer: “More than we can use already.”Applicant: As he is getting desperate, “I’m not proud, I can dopaperwork, I’ll be a clerk, If you have too many, I’ll start as a janitor.”Employer: “It just doesn’t seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.”Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, “work for you I’d have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!”Employer: “Well, you didn’t say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.”
Category:At Work