Funny Jokes – Clean Jokes – Joke of The Day

Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes List Q’ Category

|How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts! What’s tennis players favourite city?Volley wood! How does a physicist exercise?By pumping ion! Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?Because education pays off in the long run! What is a runner’s favourite subject in school?Jog-raphy! What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?Ince pies! What does a footballer and a magician have in common?Both do hat tricks! Which football team loves ice-cream?Aston Vanilla!
Category:Sport Jokes

|Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?All of them, a crossbar can’t jump! Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?They prefer cricket matches! What stories are told by basketball players?Tall stories!Who won the race between two balls of string?They we’re tied! Why are football players never asked for dinner?Because they’re always dribbling! Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?Because he liked sole music! What tea do footballers drink?Penaltea! Where do footballers dance?At a football!
Category:Sport Jokes

* Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldn’t anyway.* Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.* People who say they’ve learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.* As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most… is its length.* The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, you’d think there was a reward.* Even as I age, I still consider myself a “go-getter”… of course now, I have to make two trips.* Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.
Category:Free Jokes

|Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.) My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) Quote from the boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what ‘I’ say.” (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,”That would be better for me.” (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division) We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards) As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director’s office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
Category:Job/Office Jokes

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered. “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”
Category:Free Jokes