Funny Jokes – Clean Jokes – Joke of The Day

Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes List R’ Category

Retire Aged Personell EarlyTO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEESFROM GOVERNING BOREDDATE 22 APR 19861. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we mustdrastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,thus permitting management to focus its abuse on youngeremployees who represent our future.2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by theend of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placedinto effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will begiven the opportunity to work other jobs within the system atgreatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program iscalled SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may applyfor a new re- employment eligibility service. This service willbe called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority FollowingTermination). Current regulations state that employees may onlybe RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT asmany times as management deems appropriate.4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements,he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of RetiredPersons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plansince the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED bymanagement. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for ImmediateDisplacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,one should only request this service once.5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects bysigning up for additional training. It is now and always has beenthe policy of management to ensure all employees are well trainedthrough our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have givenour employees more SHIT than any other organization in thecountry. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enoughSHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management isespecially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT youcan stand.6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, onlyupper-management and their selected brown-noses will be givenraises and exempt status from the above programs. Yu Bien Haad MCCCD GOVERNING BOREDP.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaudthe HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;heck, we couldn’t have paid anyone to make up a better report!
Category:At Work

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person askeda young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were youlooking for?”The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, dependingon the benefits package.”The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, companymatching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leasedevery 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Category:At Work

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes toAustin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says “I want my $20 million.”To which the man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way.We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the restspread out for the next 19 years.” The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHTnow! I won it, and I want it.” Again the man patiently explains that he would only get amillion that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, IWANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20million “right now,” THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
Category:Ethnic

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of serviceby sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.When he walks into his hotel room, there’s a beautiful girl, nude, lying onthe bed. She says, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that thepresident of the board arranged for you.”The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of theTemple Board and says, “Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where’s yourrespect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with youand you have not heard the end of this.”The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her andsays, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”
Category:Ethnic

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. “Damn !” she muttered, “every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way.”
Category:Relationships