Funny Jokes – Clean Jokes – Joke of The Day

Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes List U’ Category

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle… From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Category:Funny Jokes

Understanding Your PaycheckGROSS PAY: $1222.02INCOME TAX OUTGO TAX STATE TAX INTERSTATE TAX COUNTY TAX 244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11CITY TAX RURAL TAX BACK TAX FRONT TAX SIDE TAX 12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61UP TAX DOWN TAX KNICKNACK TAX HACKENSAC TAX THUMBTAX 2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98CARPET TAX SNACK TAX SURTAX MA’AM TAX PARKING FEE 0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00NO PARKING FEE F.I.C.A. T.G.I.F. LIFE INS. HEALTH INS. 10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS. LIABILITY INS. DENTAL INS. MENTAL INS. 2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE COFEE CUPS CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL 0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85CHAIR RENTAL DESK RENTAL UNION DUES UNION DON’TS CASH ADVANCES 4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69CASH RETREATS OVERTIME UNDERTIME EASTERN TIME CENTRAL TIME 121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00MOUNTAIN TIME PACIFIC TIME DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TIME OUT 7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21OXYGEN WATER ELECTRICITY HEAT AIR CONDITIONING 10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83MISC169.24TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02
Category:At Work

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and inless than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”.The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto thescene. Being a man of the 90’s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-likemanner.He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office’s auditorium.
Category:Science Jokes

USENET ParodyNo no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to changea lightbulb?A1. Define “change”A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?A3. Don’t use the word “posters” to describe us, it’s offensive tolarge sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take itelsewhere.A5. I think it’s perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.A6. Well, that’s because you’re a twit.A7. Who are you calling a “twit”? Besides, you spelled “twit” wrong.A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell “twit”, twit?A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn’t anyone want to talkabout lightbulb fans instead of flaming?A10. You’re a twit also, who died and made you net.cop?A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something.A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what topost or not post.A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don’t you all vote for Andre Marrou,Libertarian Party Candidate for President?A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits.A15. Waitaminit! Now we’re arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb????A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff!A17. What “stuff” pray tell?A18. Yikes! It’s dark in here!A19. Define “dark”.A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out.A21. So change it.A22. Define “change”…
Category:Science Jokes

Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle EastAKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe. Regards, MPAGE@bcsc02.gov.bc.ca BCSC / DNS
Category:Ethnic