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An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, “Honey, you know we’re not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die.”That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man’s old pickup and headed out.When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, “Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place.”When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the “Up” arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you’ve ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, “Son, go git yer Ma.”
Category:Free Jokes

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIXThis is not believed to be a coincidence.
Category:Free Jokes

|Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the “most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates. “What is it that you people do at this company?” “What is the company motto?” “Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?” “What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?” “Why do you want references?” “Do I have to dress for the next interview?” “I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?” “Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?” “Will the company pay to relocate my horse?” “Does your health insurance cover pets?” “Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?” “Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?” “Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?” “Why am I here?” Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. I think I’m going to throw-up
Category:Job/Office Jokes

|USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK:I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys! At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Category:Job/Office Jokes

|Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)9. Get A Life – Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage – Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break – Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost20. The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home27. Attainable Goal – Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary28. You Don’t Really Need That Porsche Whatsamatta University’s Seminars For Women Fall CatalogueOnce again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag2. You Can Change The Oil Too4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football8. Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop 10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right11. Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself12. Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility 14. You, The Whining Sex15. Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 17. How To Close The Garage Door18. If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation 19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia 20. Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank21. Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself 23. Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack27. Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men 29. Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
Category:Marriage Jokes