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Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes List V’ Category

|Little Tommy’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, “The 10 Most Wanted.”One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.”Yes,” said the policeman, “the detectives want him very badly.”So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man’s belt, “Um, mister, why didn’t you keep them when you took their pictures?”
Category:Police Jokes

|Q: What is a chord?A: Three violists playing in unison.Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?A: Music Minus One.Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?A: Half a measure.Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?A: A violator.Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?A: A semi-tone.Q: Why are violas so large?A: It is an optical illusion. It’s not that the violas are large, just that the viola player’s heads are so small.Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?A: Violists.Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.Q: Why can’t you hear a viola on a digital recording?A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?A: A violist playing octaves.Q: How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.Q: Which positions does a violist use?A: First, third, and emergency.Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?A: Who cares!Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?A: Write a whole note with “solo” above it.
Category:Free Jokes

|Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?A: The bow is moving.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A: Sit in the back and don’t play.Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?A: A viola burns longer.Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?A: It is usually still in the case.Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist’s head is so much bigger.Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?A: Put it in a viola case.Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?A: Terrorists have sympathizers.Q: Why don’t violists play hide and seek?A: Because no one will look for them.Q: Why shouldn’t violists take up mountaineering?A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they’re missing.
Category:Free Jokes

|Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?A: He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?A: Stage makeup.Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.A: She was known as the deep C diva.Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?A: The baritone.Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?A: About 10 pounds.Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?A: When the other tenors notice.Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, “It’s too high for him.”Q: What’s the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?A: “I didn’t wake up this morning…”Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.Person 2: Yes, but it’s much more terrible if he doesn’t realize it.Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?A: I don’t want the neighbours to think I’m employing corporal punishment, dear.Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. They can’t get up that high.Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. Get the drummer to do it.Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Category:Free Jokes

Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her: “Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!” The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. “Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that the correct title is “Your highness”. Van says, ” ..jis that is unbelievable, my brother’s name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!”
Category:Free Jokes