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Archive for the ‘Funny Jokes List V’ Category

|Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.
Category:Marriage Jokes

|August, 1998, Montevideo, UruguayPaolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra’s performance of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture at an outdoor children’s concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, “I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket.” However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture. Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo’s Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, “Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, “Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!” Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn’t over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone’s slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”
Category:Free Jokes

Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales, but I luv you anyway. You’re as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin’ in the pan. Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits. And speakin’ of wits, you’ve got plenty fer shore. ‘Cuz you married me back in ‘74. Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo’re there fer yore man, To patch up life’s troubles and stick ‘em in the can. Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler racin’ through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd. Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like no far ant upon which I oft’ tread. Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’. And when you get old like a ‘57 Chevy, Won’t put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy. Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day They git it at Wal-Mart It’s romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. “Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, it’s a new trollin’ motor
Category:Free Jokes

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, “I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!” Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!” Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”
Category:Free Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.The brunette said, “We should go to Mars.”The redhead said, “We should go to the Moon.”The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, “Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to … the Sun!”The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, “You can’t go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!”The blonde said, “DUH… Not if you go at night!”
Category:Free Jokes