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12. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a porn queen?11. I’m surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I’m not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.8. No, I don’t know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.7. Back off, Barney, I’ve got a piece.6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!4. On the way to the station let’s get a six pack.3. You’ll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!1. No, YOU assume the position.
Category:Free Jokes

2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
Category:Free Jokes

1 Man: “Haven’t we met before?” Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.”2 Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?” Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”3 Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.” Woman: “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.”4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: “Want to Dance?” Woman: “No thanks.” Man: “Don’t thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.”5 Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?” Woman: “It’s in the phone book.” Man: “But I don’t know your name.” Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”6 Man: “So what do you do for a living?” Woman: “Female impersonator.”7 Man: “You know, I’d really love to travel to exotic places with you.” Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: “You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?” Woman: “Hmmm…you really love sex and travel?” Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: “Then go take a fuckin’ hike!!!”8 I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, “Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on?” To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, “Well, a girl’s gotta have her standards.”9 Man: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: “Je voudrais bien, mais je n’ai rien a porter.” (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear10 Q: What sign were you born under? A: No Parking.11 A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, “Sorry, I don’t see any potential here” and nonchalantly walks off.12 And here’s one including the correct snappy return Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?” Woman: “Unfertilized, fuck off!”13 After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: “I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.”14 A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60’s approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, “Where have you been all my life?” She took one glance at him and said, “For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.”15 A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, “What are you looking at?” My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, “He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken.”16 While at college, a few friends were discussing how their “passes” had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once… When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!” She responded, “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!” He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.17 The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. “I’m here,” he breathed huskily, “to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.” The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, “You’ve got a large donkey or Doberman?”18 “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.”19 Man: “Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.” Woman: “You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can’t cash.”
Category:Free Jokes

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.6. A penny saved is worthless.7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.14. Nobody is normal.15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: * The universe is even bigger than they thought! * There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! * Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: * If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. * If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. * If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. * If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s “born-on” date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.20. You should not confuse your career with your life.21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.24. Your friends love you anyway.25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Category:Free Jokes